The Problem with Love...Well, "That" Kind of Love.

Sunday Message (September 29): CROSS

Text: Philippians 2:1-11

Message Audio: Listen HERE

As I wrapped up the Friends: Be a Real One message series on Sunday, I unpacked the following statement: lasting and thriving relationships follow the way of the cross. I have directed this week's AfterWORDS at two tangents which time prohibited me from addressing in the Friends series. Tuesday's post centered on Paul's relational argument that the Spirit runs thicker than blood. You can read it HERE. This post focuses on the problem with "love."

Taylor Swift says, "We are never ever, ever getting back together." That's right, this relationship is over!

Bruno Mars flatters, "Her lips, her lips...I could kiss them all day if she'd let me." Giddy-up!

Enrique Iglesias gets straight to the point, "I know you want me. I made it obvious that I want you too...nobody has ever made me feel the way that you do...tonight I'm loving you!" Lucky girl!

And then Katy Perry's new song tattooing itself on mental replay, "I've got the eye of the tiger, fighter, dancing through fire. I am a champion and you're gonna hear me roar!" Obviously she is directing her Rocky Balboaness at her punk ex.

Love is pop musics number one subject: I'm in love; we just broke up; she broke my heart; I'm breaking his heart; I can't live without you; you are hot, sexy...yada, yada, yada. I won't lie. I like pop music. I've car-rocked everyone of the songs I mentioned, off key of course and with nauseating dance moves. All of theses artists have catchy tunes, great voices and address a subject matter that matters to every person. Everyone wants love. The problem is not pop music. I don't believe you should only listen to Third Day and Chris Tomlin. I've been a Michael Jackson fan since I lip synced Thriller at church camp! The problem? The love culture speaks of is not love.

The Pop music love that dominates our culture, the love we obsess about, would be better defined as infatuation, chemistry, romantic love, attraction or Eros.  Romantic love focuses on how the other person makes you feel, from a racing-heart to sexual arousal. There is a place for romantic love, but it is not the highest form of love. It is not the most satisfying love. Often we feel our void for love with infatuation and chemistry and come up less than satisfied, because we were made for a richer, deeper, more fulfilling love. A love that originates from the nature of God.


In I Corinthians 13, Paul attempts to unite a fracturing congregation, fighting over their spiritual superiority, by showing them the most excellent way. The most excellent way...LOVE! The word Paul uses for Christian love is agape. Agape was best demonstrated on the cross. It is a love lavished on others whether they are worthy or not. It proceeds from the nature of the lover, and not the attractiveness of the loved (Leon Morris). Agape offers oneself for the best interest of the object of love. It has little to do with feelings, sex, or attraction but it has everything to do with humanity's greatest emotional need. Paul's definition of love sounds a lot different than "I know you want me. I made it obvious that I want you too." Paul says...

Love is patient. Love is kind. It does not want what belongs to others. It does not brag. It is not proud.  It is not rude. It does not look out for its own interests. It does not easily become angry. It does not keep track of other people’s wrongs. Love is not happy with evil. But it is full of joy when the truth is spoken.  It always protects. It always trusts. It always hopes. It never gives up.  Love never fails.

If Paul is right, then the most satisfying love is not the subject of Bruno Mar's latest hit. It is not confined to the marriage relationship. It should be most evident in the Church. It is agape. When we begin to emphasize the highest form of love, when we let it shape our search for love, the game changes.

1.  It dispels the notion that single people will be less than complete until they are married. Agape means that men and women can be fully satisfied outside of marriage. A husband or wife is not necessary in order to have your deepest need fulfilled.

2.  It creates better marriages. I'm not going to lie, I did not initiate a relationship with Mary Beth (my wife) out of agape. I sought her out because I thought and still think she is gorgeous. It was her smile, her jet black hair, her tiny nose...you get the idea. Although I'm still deeply attracted to my wife, our love has matured in our 15 years of being together. Our agape deepens and as it does our relationship improves!

3. It affirms the power of same-sex friendships. Many men have a difficult time with intimacy, especially when that word is used in the context of relationships with other males (our homophobia betrays us). Intimacy is not a sexual term but our misperception of love has made it such. When we let agape shape our understanding of love it creates space for same-sex friendships that are life-giving and soul-fulfilling. David and Jonathan are an excellent biblical example of such a friendship.

4. It reinforces the importance of the Church. As a Christian, I believe agape springs from the very nature of God and manifests itself most clearly in Jesus and his death. It is a Christian love and it should permeate every nook and cranny of our churches. People should find a love in the Christian community that reaches to the depth of their being.

Keep listening to Bruno and Katy. I know I will, but let Paul shape your view of love!

Thicker than Blood: The Church as the Primary Community

Sunday Message (September 29): CROSS

Text: Philippians 2:1-11

Message Audio: Listen HERE

I wrapped up the "Friends: Be a Real One Series" on Sunday by exploring the third "C" of lasting and thriving relationships: CROSS. I used Paul's reconciliation strategy from Philippians 2 to argue that lasting and thriving relationships follow the way of the cross.  In this week's AfterWORDS, I will address two topics (tangents, if you will) I was unable to cover in the "Friends" series: 1) the Church as God's primary community and 2) the problem with eros.

If you happen to live in a suburb, like I do, it becomes apparent that businesses cater to the family...fine by me. I have three boys! Think about it: Chuck E. Cheese's, or what I call Kid Vegas. Have you seen how kids blow their $10 in tokens by gambling it all on the "ticket slots?" There is nothing more satisfying to a parent then spending $10 on 5 Jolly Ranchers and a snap bracelet. Actually, the $10 is for an hour of sitting without worrying about your kid biting the dog, flooding the toilet, or tagging the hallway wall.

"But Chuck E. Cheese is designed for children," you say! I'd argue it is designed for parents. But Chuck E. aside...take into account indoor playscapes, children's menus with more puzzles and coloring than food items, children's barbers with airplane stools and video games, Bass Pro turning into a Winter Wonderland at Christmas, and even Home Depot's "kid's project" Saturdays.

But IKEA is my favorite. In case you are unfamiliar with IKEA, it is a giant furniture store designed around family comfort. When you walk in the door you find yourself staring at a day care! You can drop your child off for an hour and shop kid free. I'm convinced some parents head to IKEA, not for the furniture, but for a 1-hour IKEA date! If your kid is in the "clingy stage" or if you are afraid to leave them at the day care because you weren't able to wipe down the entire playground with sanitizing wipes (Don't worry that will change by kid number three. The "3 second rule" has turned into a "5 day rule" at our house), then just head upstairs to the IKEA cafeteria for Swedish Horse Meatballs, baked chicken or Mac and Cheese and pudding. For the sake of your cafeteria sanity, IKEA has created a rolling tray carrier capable of carting 5-6 trays. No longer does the lone parent have to juggle a baby and three food-loaded trays. After getting a snack, or 5-course meal, you walk through the store where IKEA has strategically placed sensory stations for your kid to touch, climb, hit, and spin. As you leave, a second round of hunger pains will be setting in because it takes about 2.5 days to make your way through the store. No worries! A snack bar lives right behind the cashier serving hot dogs, cinnamon rolls, ice cream, and pretzels. Even if you are not hungry, you can bet your kid will "need" a snack. IKEA caters to the family.

In this world of IKEA's and Chuck E. Cheese's it is no wonder families come to Church expecting the Church to cater to them. Now don't get me wrong. I'm a firm believer in stellar children's programs and parenting and marriage classes. But, suburban culture and family friendly Churches often come with a side-effect. We reinforce the idea that God created the Church to serve the family. In scripture it is the opposite. God expects the family to serve the Church because God designed the Church as his primary community.

You may have heard the idiom "blood runs thicker than water" as a rationale for siding with your family over non-family. In large part, that is true. I'm most defensive about my wife, children and extended family. You can talk about me but don't talk about my wife. You can pick on me but don't you dare mess with my little guys. Why? Because blood is thicker than water! But according to Paul, the Spirit is thicker than blood!

In Ephesians 2:11-22, Paul is doing conflict management between Gentile and Jewish Christians. For thousands of years God identified his people with a certain ethnic group. Granted, others could be grafted in, but there was no separating the Jewishness of God's people. But in Ephesians, Paul says that through Jesus God's purpose was to create one new humanity out of the two [Jews and Gentiles].  He says, through Christ we both [Jews and Gentiles] have access to the Father by one SPIRIT and that in Christ Jews and Gentiles are being built together as to become a dwelling in which God lives by his SPIRIT. Paul tells us that the Spirit of God runs deeper than Jewishness, Gentileness, Taylorness, or your familiness. It runs thicker than blood.

God's primary community, the community to whom he commissions his mission is not the family unit. It is the Church. Blood is exclusive by nature. That's part of the power of adoption...the grafting of an individual into the family unit - making someone a part of an inherently exclusive group. But the Church is not exclusive. It is a community of male-female, young-old, black-white, married-single, Irish-Armenian, Chinese-Russian... God's core community is the Church and not the family. God labels the Church as The Body of Christ, not the family. The hope for America, for the world, is not in the nuclear family, but in the gospel-bearing body of Christ.

I'm a huge family man! I believe family is important. I'm ready to die for mine! I believe, as a minister, in helping foster better marriages, closer families, and more effective parenting. But...I believe the Church is God's primary community and believe God calls my family to serve the Church rather than waiting for the Church to serve my family.

So...how can your family serve God's Church?

Shut Up and Look Up: Letting God Justify

Sunday Message (September 22): CHRIST

Text: Philippians 3:1-10

Sermon Audio: Listen HERE

We learned that thriving and lasting relationships make Jesus the center of individual identity in last Sunday's message. Tuesday's AfterWORDS explained how praying Romans 8:33b, "It is God who justifies" helps ground your value and esteem in Christ. In this post, I give you a practical way to let God justify and it means you have to shut up! :-)

Facebook fascinates me, not because I like to creep on everyone's life (just a few of you), but because it is an insightful study in our perception obsession. Facebook offers the perfect medium to design the "You" you want the world to see: brand yourself! You don't see a lot of people updating their profile pic with the "triple chin" photo. You don't see a lot of uploaded family vacation pics capturing the special moment when you screamed at your wife and your middle kid hit his brother with a stick! No, it's always the family sitting around the campfire, singing "Kumbayah," sharing S'mores (FYI, the Taylor's do not share S'mores), and sipping hot cocoa. Let's admit it. We are all fatter in real life.


Facebook is simply a symptom of a larger issue: seeking value and worth based on how others see us. That's why we spend a large percentage of our energy trying to get people to see us a certain way: our clothes, our homes, our cars, our hair, and most importantly our words. Many of us devote the largest percentage of our daily words shaping perception by correcting, explaining, and defending. Richard Foster, the Michael Jordan of Spiritual disciplines, says a practical way to put your identity in God and to let him justify is simply to "Shut up and look up!"

The tongue is our most powerful weapon of manipulation. A frantic stream of words flows from us because we are in a constant process of adjusting our public image. We fear so deeply what we think other people see in us that we talk in order to straighten out their understanding. If I have done some wrong thing (or even some right thing that I think you may misunderstand) and discover that you know about it, I will be very tempted to help you understand my action! Silence [emphasis mine] is one of the deepest Disciplines of the Spirit simply because it puts the stopper on all self-justification.

One of the fruits of silence is the freedom to let God be our justifier....perhaps more than anything else, silence brings us to believe that God can care for us - "reputation and all." 

-Richard Foster (Celebration of Discipline)

If you really want to let God justify, start by being quiet. Don't respond. Shut up. Leave it to God.

But what they think about me is wrong....shhhh.
But they are misinterpreting my motives...shhhh.
But they don't like me because of rumors....shhhh.
But that was a mistake, I'm not like that anymore...shhh.

Shhh...shut up and look up. It is so hard but in those moments when you do it,  it is
so freeing!

Just Because: Finding Identity in Christ

Sunday Message (September 22nd): CHRIST

Text: Philippians 3:1-10

Sermon Audio: Listen HERE

On Sunday, we explored how lasting and thriving relationships make Jesus the center of individual identity. You are a better friend and a better spouse when your value, esteem and sense of worth derive from an identity in Christ rather than in the acceptance or rejection from others. While it might be easy to understand this concept, it is very difficult to live it out in a world that assigns value according to ability, beauty, and productivity.


My wife recently informed me that thighs, skinny enough not to touch, are the new standard of beauty. Huh? I thought God designed the human body to be a fire hazard when wearing corduroy pants...inner thigh friction. Apparently not according to the latest, and ever changing, beauty trends. Seriously, women once thought hair on a man's chest attractive (reference: Magnum PI). Now men shave themselves into a porpoise. Society's definition of beauty carries so much weight when it comes to our sense of value and worth that plastic surgeons now offer surgery to keep your thighs from meeting in the middle. No wonder so many of us feel ugly.

And productivity...I spent three months as a Business Development Specialist (fancy for salesperson) in a retirement home. It was a depressing job. I saw many elderly discarded at the doors of the long term care facility because they no longer were "productive" members of society and therefore no longer valuable. No wonder so many of us lose our identity in our jobs and careers.

I realized how much of my identity and sense of worth came from my ministerial ability during an

eight-month hiatus from ministry. I was preaching at a 1000-member church. I was speaking almost monthly at events around the country. I earned the largest salary I had known to date. Needless to say, I was confident in my ability and then, because of choices I made, I lost my job. I spent the next 8 months building fences, and while I had great confidence in the Church World, I was an idiot in the construction business. I handled a saw and a nail gun like a toddler behind the wheel of a semi. My boss wouldn't let me touch the cutting saw for 6 months. I was of better use to his business with all of my limbs intact.  He entrusted that job to a 19-year old and a 26 year old...yep, and I was 35! Although I loved the physical nature of building fences and although I learned a lot, my self-esteem took a brutal beating in those 8 months because of my minimal ability. I felt stupid, dumb, and sometimes useless. During this 8-month break I realized that my identity had been in my preachin
g/ministering ability rather than Jesus, so I started taking steps to ground my value in Christ.

I began by praying a prayer from Romans 8:33b:

It is God who justifies.

I prayed this prayer a hundred times a day. It aligned my mind with the truth: I am valuable and worthy not because of how I look, perform, or produce. I am valuable because God has made me valuable.  

Justified means "being made right," and in a Christian context, "being made right before God." This simple prayer reminded me that the only thing that makes me right before God is God! It instilled a truth I had known but never really believed:

1. I cannot fix my past mistakes. I cannot undo the past...but I'm not justified by fixing my past. It is God who justifies.
2. I do not meet society's definition of beauty, and there are many areas of life where I possess no ability...but I'm not justified by my beauty or ability. It is God who justifies.
3. There are people who do not like me, who have rejected me...but I am not justified by what others think of me. It is God who justifies.

If you are like me and you struggle to accept that your value comes from God and not ability, beauty or productivity, then I encourage you to pray this prayer today, this week, maybe even longer. Let these words move God's truth from your head to your heart. You are valuable "just because."